Recipe for a Writer

Ingredients

1 big fat Greek family

1 middle child

1 cup delusions of grandeur

2 tbsp unabashed sass

1/2 cup emotional ambivalence (substitute with angst to make vegan)

3 cups travel bug

2059 books

1 existential crisis

Directions

Take middle child and age 18 years in isolated New Hampshire woods. The big fat Greek family is key to the fermentation of unabashed sass, delusions of grandeur, travel bug, and emotional ambivalence within your writer. Be sure to ground the middle child heavily between the ages of 13-17. Cut off communication with the outside world as needed. At this time, add in 2059 books to keep said middle child occupied. (Keep it heavy on the magical realism.) You’re halfway there—add in a public relations degree, an accidental sales career, and a general expectation for something more. This should be the base of your existential crisis. Once at its peak, fold in your existential crisis with a pinch of anxiety. Just a pinch. Knead your writer’s consciousness with a series of mind-expanding adventures. Let rise in wonder, freelance work, and journaling. Skewer with the twists and turns of life. Deflated, put that shit—err, the writer—in the oven. Turn it up to 500 degrees. See what happens. Maybe it’ll work. Maybe it won’t. Your writer is almost fully baked! Right when it seems like everything’s about to burn, open the oven. Your writer is ready.